It has been a few weeks since I arrived home from the Camino De Santiago. I will not get all sentimental and say, “I am a changed woman, and I have had a spiritual encounter that changed my life”. Instead, I will tell you, “How proud I am of my achievements, as I never thought I had it in me to keep going!”.See, what you need to know is that they are two very different things. Learning to be proud of yourself and realising that mental toughness isn’t only for the young guns that climb mountains or play a contact sport. Still, it is also for middle-aged women walking across two countries on their own, pushing boundaries and stepping way out of their comfort zones.
To most young, fit, motivated individuals, walking 290km isn’t going to impress you, I know! But to a mother of 3 young adults who is hitting 50 and feels like she has lost her identity and didn’t do any training, then well, yes! I am very impressed with myself because I do not know what I was thinking when I decided this would be a good idea, and it needed to be included in my bucket list of things to do before I hit the big 50!
I have walked the Camino French way with friends, staying in hotels and having our bags sent from place to place. This time, however, I decided to humble myself, map out the route, stay in a mix of accommodations (mostly Auberges), carry my bag and walk it on my own. In my delusional head, I imagined it would be amazing! As a very social person, I would meet loads of people, enjoy the freedom of choice, walk amongst beautiful scenery and be welcomed by kind people who would show empathy towards pilgrims. Looking back at the before and after thoughts, I could not be further from the truth, which makes me even more, prouder of myself for sticking with it, not giving up, packing it all in and booking myself into a luxurious hotel for the two weeks. Because quite frankly, that would have been an amazing holiday if I had.
The truth is I spent three days talking to myself as there wasn’t anyone I saw walking the Camino, and my accommodation had no pilgrims. I spent three days tired, lost, and exhausted, questioning why I was doing what I was doing and why I thought this was a good idea. At one stage, I did think that if I caught a taxi from place to place, “who would know?”. Luckily, I talked myself out of it with the realisation that I would know. I would carry the secret with me, and I would be the one who would be disappointed, nobody else, because nobody is as invested in this journey as I was because the only person who needed anything from this was me.
I will not lie and say, “I have found my new identity”, but I will tell you this. I have gotten to know myself; I have never spent so much time alone, thinking, remembering, daydreaming and getting to know myself. Quite often, my days are so busy that I never have the opportunity to spend so much time thinking; instead, all my free time is spent listening to podcasts when I am walking, watching videos to distract me from thinking or calling people to catch up.
Spending over two weeks getting to know me was an absolute pleasure; I realised that I enjoyed my own company, I came up with some great solutions to problems, and I was able to mourn some things that I let creep deep down into my subconscious because the memories hurt too much to surface in the past. I know it sounds deep, and to be honest, it was; the Camino wasn’t just a hike to get my middle-aged body fit and healthy; it was also a walk to allow my mind the freedom to let go of the past and allow it to become fit and healthy for this new stage as an empty nester.
I have realised that some things I held onto were not allowing me to move forward as a mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend. As a 50-year-old woman with only half her life under her belt, I realised she still has another half of her life to live to the fullest. Wasting days has never been my thing, but I realised that resting is not wasting a day; your body and mind need to rest, repair and recover to perform at your fullest in the week ahead.
I realised that life is what you make it, the path you create is your choice, not destiny or fate, and you need to create what you want your life to be. I am not talking about stuff like manifestation; I am talking about getting rid of the things that make you unhappy, grabbing onto the people that mean the most to you and letting go of the items in your past that hold you back.
Okay, I know it sounds easy, but I am here to say it won’t always be an easy ride; life never is, and life won’t always be fair, but it is up to you to decide how you want to respond, it is up to you create the life you want moving forward. It is up to you to believe in yourself when no one else does!
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